I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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