I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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