is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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