I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
