I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
Randomize
