I just cut my nipple shaving
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
