the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Randomize
