i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
