so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
