when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Skanksgiving break is awesome already... pilgrim and indian roleplay tonight.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
