the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Randomize
