Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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