Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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