So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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