I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
