So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Randomize
