at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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