mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
