so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
