Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Randomize
