1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
