I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
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