I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
