He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
