I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
