just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
