Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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