$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
