I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
