I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
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