There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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