I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
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