I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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