You really coming over, don't trick.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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