two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
