I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
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