She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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