Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
