Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
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