So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
