he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
operation harelip BJ is a go
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
