I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
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