break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize