So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Randomize
