A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
