I can text with my tongue
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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