My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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