Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
