she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Randomize