I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
