blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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