I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
