ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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