Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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