I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
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