He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Randomize
