I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Reggie can tackle my bush.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Is her dick bigger than yours?
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
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