when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
You've changed since you got that strap on
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
